There are days when we lose control, and either we can't regain our composure, or we simply won't. This sinful nature, these ugly displays of emotion, they try to get a hold on me - to squeeze out His love and render useless this amazing freedom. My heart begins to boil, my hands clench. And worst of all, I despise it. I despise these hands, this heart, this world.
Soft and gentle, these words play. Hands to ears I try to shut it out, for I despise the gentle love. I count it worthless. But it coaxes me, and I can not resist. Blinded by my failure and fury, this unrestrained grace breaks down the walls and renders my anger useless. I am relieved.
I can not give grace when I can not receive it. I can not be full of love, when my heart does not know it. I can not be full of joy unless I know the joy giver. I can not give forgiveness, when I refuse to except it.
Everything I try to be, everything I try to give - without excepting it, embracing it, knowing it - I can not give it. If I try to keep giving these things, I will run empty. And all that is left is the anger and hatred and cruelty. These things are what I am apart from the One who gives all good things. Apart from Him, nothing is good.
Tears of release as I listen to song after song - these songs, they are love songs of my Savior. And I listen to each word, and I hear the heart of Love. And I'm reminded that I am a child of the One True King. And it stuns me silent I am told that the past does not matter - that it's forgiven. And I ask, is not one minute ago the past? Anything done or experienced...that is past.
I see my slate - the one that is wiped clean. And I see these clothes white as snow. Bewildered, my eyes fill again with tears. And the only one to see is God, and I leave my sunglasses in place as I cope with this new reality. This overwhelming grace. I know the anger and I know my failings. I know all the things I should have done differently. And I accept his yoke...
Matthew 11:29 "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
The sun warms my face as He warms my heart. The spirit has whispered to my heart, and it begins to heal.
I drive home, listening to song after song repeating the same messages. God is love and forgiveness. I am wanted and I am loved. And he is enough, no matter what I've done in my long ago past or in my moment ago failures.
At home I'm met by two wiggling dogs with open paws, gentle eyes, and loving hearts.
I shake my head in wonder as I write my 100th gift.
100. Second Chances